In this post, I would like to discuss everything I have spoken about in my previous blog posts…
We now all know,
I am a recovering alcoholic,
I am a recovering drug addict,
I am bulimic,
I am anorexic,
I am a compulsive overeater,
I have body dysmorphia,
I have self-harmed from a young age,
I am a victim of two sexual assaults,
I have attempted to commit suicide a number of times,
I nearly got stuck in a drug-induced psychosis…
All of these problems and issues that I could have kept hidden from the public eye as they were not physical but I decided to air them in fine detail, why?
It is always about the WHY?
Before I talk about the ”why” I will tell you this and staying true to myself and the message of my blog I will be completely honest with you!!!
I was scared, there were some things I didn’t want the whole world to know for obvious reasons… Also when I say things like ”the world” I simply refer to the fact that I know once you put something out on the Internet there really is no going back…
My abuse story was certainly the toughest of all to share, to date… I had moments of doubt and tears… Which I am very aware is all normal considering the severity of the topic I’m talking about and how traumatic it was for me for years… In fact, I hit a bit of a ”writer’s block” and couldn’t find the energy to write… I wondered was I after making the right decision with my blog, am I the person for the job? All of these doubts entered my mind.. I even on some days found it hard to get out of bed, I felt extremely flat and slept a bit more then usual..
I know I am talking about this in the past tense as if it were a couple of years ago when it was only in fact over the last few weeks but I have gotten my mojo back, so it is in fact in the past if we are talking about the here and now…
Anyways, when I had discussed this with my own therapist he gently reminded me that, I in fact went into ”protection mode”…
Good oul Martin (definitely not his name 😂) but my God was he right, god bless ya marty boy 😂
That’s exactly what I did…
Having gone through all of these terrible things in such a short life span, I had to learn how to mind myself in my pain, doubt or any other type of discomfort…
I am truly my own worst critic, as strong as I am, as much as I have overcome… I must also remember I am a human at the end of the day and of course these raw personal subjects were going to remind me of that dark time in my life..
You see, I don’t have my painkillers anymore.. (Alcohol, Drugs and Food..)
These were the substances I abused to try to take myself out of my reality and distract myself or just numb my pain… Of course, food is a lot more complex and I will discuss that later on in further in detail again, but to briefly touch off it… If you have not read my eating disorder blog post, I always say it is not as obvious as drink or drugs but you can most certainly use it as a mood-altering substance and you can most definitely die from it, if it is not treated… A mild example I can give you, if you have no understanding would be , say you were having a bad day and you ate ”bad” or ”unhealthy” food to make yourself feel better and in turn you had made yourself feel worse?? Well, its something like that but a much larger and far more toxic and abusive scale… So again in my case, this was how I avoided pain in the past…
The level of pain I felt, the more destructive my behaviours became and intense pain relief I would take to become numb from it…
So, what does one do when all her “meds” and abusive behaviours had to stop??
Imagine to strip my “pain relief” all away from me and leave me to deal with any type of discomfort and not to mind the real world!! It wasn’t easy let me tell you..
I was like a newborn again I had to re-learn new ways to deal with pain and life in general and in more positive and enjoyable ways… So I built myself a TOOLBOX…
I will do a lot more work around this “toolbox” and in fine detail too, as I know it can help others. Until then ill tell you this, they are a basic set of life skills and habits I needed to do regularly to keep on top of myself and keep myself happy, sober and enjoy my re-birth.
Mindfulness and Self-Care.
Now, I must be kind to myself that was nearly the hardest part… I have stated in other blog posts that i could not bare myself and now I was supposed to love and be kind to myself on a daily without any substance?? I still have to work at this trust me some days can be hard but that is just life…
If I am having a bad day I would very simply go for a walk, maybe run a bath, light candles, get cosy, eat some nice food mindfully of course… Now, I have been known to binge watch a series on Netflix a time or too but if thats the most “self-destructive” thing I do now then let me assure you I am doing quite ok..
Spending time with good company always helps and my favourite thing them all is to laugh…
Hence my humorous nature.
I say it all of the time, don’t ever underestimate the power of the belly laugh…
So now these are some of the things that I do when I feel any type of discomfort some of my tools I use… (A lot of people have contacted me on what I do, so I promise I will make sure to do a lot more work and writing round these tools for you all..) My ways, and routine of minding myself in the hard times, I will gladly share these all with you!!
So that has been my last couple of weeks. I was being mindful and self-caring towards myself and seeing what was really going on for me, aka checking in with myself.. Although knowing that deep down I just publicly ”aired my dirty laundry” and showed the world my venerable side so I probably needed a minute to pause breath and proceed..
Back to the why?
Why would I not hide all of these things about myself?? I could have done so, very easily.
I managed to disguise it so long on and off line so why would I not carry on that way?? That would have been the easier thing to do to get to where I want to be??
A few simple whys…
It would have been wrong of me to lie, and completely against my character..
I hope to help all those who suffer at the hands of any of these struggles, If it means temporary discomfort for me then I am more then ok with that once I’m helping people..
I hope to show anyone struggling, you are not alone..
I hope to share my illness with the world to try make people understand some more..
I hope to be a voice to so many of those who cant be heard anymore, it is my life Mission to do so…
I did not survive all of these traumas and overcome these illnesses for nothing.. I know I survived all of this, to pass on a message of hope for those who suffer and a warning of “what not to do” to others..
Im getting to the top, no matter how hard the climb is, I will persevere simply because I have to. I will shout my message from the rooftops for all those who need to hear it …
Who said just because Im not your stereotypical person and have had a number of obstacles in my way does not mean I won’t win?? Sure aren’t I already defying the odds??
I am not ashamed of my illness as they do not define me, nor control me any more…
I fear for peoples lack of honesty and reality on and off social media..
We all get something thrown at us in life, so why hide it? why be ashamed of it? I hope I cause a ripple effect and more people share there stories with the world..
I got 99 problems but acceptance ain’t one…🤙🏾
So thank you for taking time to read this,
I hope you see a little bit more of where I am at and where I am going with my blog… As I have stated above I will take on the temporary discomfort and show you my deepest & darkest traumas in order to help others, I will never tell you lies, and I will always do my very best for you…
My intentions are pure and come from my heart so that is what sets me aside from the rest, that is what makes me unique and puts me in my own lane!!!
I built this platform to educate and help others and to be a POSITIVE INFLUENCE on the world, so as my picture says I will speak the truth, even if my voice shakes!!