Baby, this is not wonderlandUncategorised

YOU VIOLATED ME,

YOU STRIPPED AWAY MY SELF-WORTH, LAYER BY LAYER..

YOU DESTROYED A BIT OF MY SOUL THAT DAY..

YOU TOOK AWAY MY WORTH AND MY PRIVACY,

YOU TOOK AWAY MY CONFIDENCE,

YOU TOOK AWAY MY VOICE,

YOU MADE ME FEEL FEAR I HAVE NEVER FELT BEFORE,

YOU TOOK AWAY MY BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS,

YOU MADE ME A VICTIM OF SEXUAL ASSAULT,

BUT WORST OF ALL YOU LEFT ME WITH A SCAR SO DEEP IT STILL HURTS…

I CAN STILL FEEL UNSAFE AND HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT IT, UNLIKE A MURDER VICTIM I CAN NEVER LEAVE THE SCENE OF THE CRIME..

That’s what I would like to discuss today, the aftermath of being abused… 

A living nightmare, that I replayed over and over in my head for years…

Today I won’t discuss in detail, how, what or when my abuse took place as I don’t feel the need to and some things I will keep from the public until a time I feel a need to publicly address the “men” (if that’s what you would like to call them, I prefer the term Animals myself)..

That and I’m quite aware of airing things out in public, you leave yourself open for all types of people, and their opinions… Imagine in this day and age there are still unfortunate humans out there that would comment on posts like this and say things like “oh maybe if you wore more clothes” or other stupid comments, that suggest someone wanted to be abused, or provoked being raped… In fact only a couple of months ago a page was made and a “mother” passed comments, she mocked and laughed at the fact I was raped, she did this publicly with no shame attached so believe me I know first hand that their are unwell people online and offline for that matter…  

So To all the people who have been publicly targeted, who have been silenced or have been brave enough to speak out about your abuse and then have been made feel in anyway as if “you provoked it on yourself or you wanted it”, you are the ones that give me the courage to write this post… 

If I wanted to walk down the road naked that gives absolutely no one on this planet the right to touch me unless consented!!!  

I will tell you this about my sexual assaults, 

I was only 19..

It was more then once

And it involved three different men (animals!). 

It was a huge part of why I had so many suicide attempts and why I cut myself so frequently…

I couldn’t deal with the pain, I couldn’t deal with the flashbacks the feelings around it.., 

It made my skin crawl..

After the second abuse,

I sat in the shower for over an hour with a wire scrubber tearing at my skin,

The water was so hot it nearly made my skin blister…

I screamed and screamed..

I pulled my hair and hit my head off the tiles,

And of course the “good oul reliable” I cut myself I sat and watched my blood wash down the drain…

I wanted to die…

I was so alone,

I trembled for days from the fear and pain..

I have never felt so disgusting and shameful in my life… 

As you know from my previous posts I used drink and drugs daily to try and numb how I felt, to try escape my reality, but this wound was too deep to block out in fact I think this is why I moved onto heavier drugs to try numb my brain from the mental torture, now my reality..

My mind, body and soul was destroyed, my paranoia became unbearable….

I tried the tactic of “ignoring” what had happened to me too but as you can imagine it didn’t work for very long, it crept into everything at times it consumed my every thought.. I even went through the ” It was my own fault “stage…

I was terrified of men, In fact I was just terrified of everything..

This also was a huge factor to my aggression..

If a comment was passed towards me or I felt uneasy in a situation I would just lash out in anger..

It was a form of protection I suppose… 

Even after the drink and drugs were gone, 

I had so much issues with men after my assaults If i was seeing someone nine times out of ten, I would cry after or during sex..I would have that same used disgusting feeling.. I was so up in my head during intercourse, my head wouldn’t let me enjoy it, in fact I would think of almost anything I could to distract me from the task at hand… 

So boys if you were one of the lucky ones to have gotten in my sheets back then, I probably faked it!! I was So desperate for the love and protection of a man and so longing for the feeling of being wanted and minded I would hide my tears, and I would go back into that headspace of “just wanting it over and done with”.. That and I was still so thoughtful I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings as I did know it wasn’t their fault and it was from my abuse…

So many mixed confusing feelings around it, so much shame, and at the same time I was paranoid men just wanted to use me, questioning their “motives” with me…

I was manipulated and groomed on my second abuse so even an innocent comment could throw me… 

If a man touched in a certain way I would quiver with fear… 

I had so much issues around sex I just wanted to be a normal girl doing normal things, but those animals Made something natural unnatural…To this day I can still sometimes struggle with it.. I’m so confident now and yet the thoughts of having to tell a man what I like or don’t like gives me anxiety, makes me uncomfortable and I can just pretend I’m enjoying it when I’m not!!!  

People still have this stereotype of sex being this dirty or inappropriate subject to talk about or discuss openly..

Well I don’t know maybe it’s just the country, I’m from? It still has a lot of old rural Ireland attitudes left… It was run by the Catholic Church but yet the Catholic Church has more sexual abuse cases then any other organisation I know? When I refer to “old Ireland” I refer to the “brush under the carpet” attitude, meaning no one likes to address these issues.. 

This isn’t about religion either, I’m a very spiritual person.. In fact I pray twice a day every day… so please don’t take me up wrong, I’m not taring everyone with the same brush.. I’ve met some of the most amazing spiritual people in the Catholic Church too, I’m just stating facts and unfortunately this is the reality, I know so many people who have suffered to this abuse and have been silenced…

No one talks about these things openly, it’s about time we get honest and speak out about sex, abuse, consent and all that goes with it!!!

After years of work I have done on myself and my traumas, I can luckily talk about it now..This was never my burden to carry, I was brutally attacked and raped and I spent far too many years letting it destroy my peace of mind.. So as my final healing process I’m handing it back to the three “men” who did this to me, this is their burden to carry not mine… I can’t take back what you have done to me but I can grow and heal from it, thats what I have been doing and will carry on to do so…

Another thing I would like to address is the fact I model, I have done boudoir “semi nude” photoshoots with what I AM NOW comfortable with, having been raped and have a number of eating disorders you have no idea what an achievement that is for me, not everyones cup of tea of course but its mine, I am happy with what I do… Years of mental and physical abuse and not being able to look in the mirror without feeling physically sick, so to go from that to being completely comfortable in my skin does that give someone the right to rape me again??? 

No…

THAT IS NOT CONSENT..

Mind you, I will only work with professional photographers though, I have been lucky to do so up to date.. I had a couple of “dodgy ones” lets just say… Another industry where not everyone’s intention is creating a beautiful image but to just get a look at a half naked woman and snap a camera!!! 

When I say professional I mean people who conduct themselves in a professional way, 

I work with amateur photographers too once I know they are on the same page I make my boundaries very clear and if you cross them ill pull the shoot…

I will talk further in detail about my modelling and the do’s and don’ts with photo shoots in another post…

Till then I’ll finish off with saying this about Abuse.. 

You don’t have to strike a woman/man to abuse them, there are so many levels to it, control, manipulating, verbal, negligence, and much more…

They leave the same deep scars I have, they will run so deep that unless an individual deals with the issues it will haunt them forever, and will tarnish any relationships/friendships eventually.. 

I couldn’t even hear the word Rape for years, not to mind see something on the tv or hear something about it, I would spiral into the blackest kind of depression, where I would be in so much pain my wrists would throb for me to cut them… 

Until I dealt with the issue head on with no drink or drugs to numb my pain… 

I now have a bit of peace with it, I am able to share my story with someone if I feel they are struggling with something similar etc… 

I am able to have open discussions with people about it comfortably and not feel the pain or disgust I felt before.. 

My next post I will discuss the best method I found to deal with such a raw trauma and how you can do it for almost anything that comes up in your life… 

A simple exercise to deal with the worst kind of pain… 

I would recommend talking to someone you can trust about it first, or anything that you may struggle with.. 

Again I’ll link services below you can call or visit to deal with any of these issues, 

I found the more open and honest I was about my story the more people around me revealed similar situations… 

Your not alone and you have no reason to feel alone in this!!

NONE!!! 

This is not your shame or guilt to Carry it is theirs.. 

I’m sending you all the love and positive vibes in the world, to deal with any of these issues…  

Being Raped and abused does not define me nor does it you..

It’s just a part of my story, another struggle I have overcome and that’s made me as strong as I am..

As I always say, through pain is growth…

So be kind to yourself,

Ill pray your self worth outweighs any doubt you may have no matter how painful you may think it is, you weren’t given anything you couldn’t handle or get through!!

We all get something, my problems may be big or even small to yours but nevertheless, this life is short and we must do everything in our power to be nothing but happy…

If you haven’t heard it yet today, you are good enough, your are beautiful and stronger then you think… 💪🏽

Lauren…

💕🧡💕🧡💕 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

IMG_7289.jpeg